Lily Evans' Diary
by DreamlikeCheese
Summary: Story of Lily and James starting in sixth year, written in style of Bridget Jones' Diary. Should be good fun, a little naughty but not too much and hopefully grammatically correct.
1. A new school year

Disclaimer: there may be an 80-year-old hermit, who can't see, speak or hear, living in deepest darkest Peru in a mud hut with no access to the outside world who doesn't know that JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter. For his benefit, in case he somehow gets on the internet and reads fan fiction about a book he's never read: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters involved in Harry Potter. They all belong to JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

A/N: This is my very first fan-fic, and what better way to start than with my all-time favourite pairing, Lily and James. If I've screwed anything up, or got certain established HP facts wrong, then please forgive me and let me know in a review. I'm currently in Japan and I have no access to any of the books (at least not in English) so I'm going off memory…a most unreliable device. Please read and review…I can only get better.

**September 1, 10 pm**

_Chocolate frogs: 10 (bad)_

_Sugar quills: 2 (not bad…but would have been more if I could get my hands on them)_

_Very loud arguments the whole world could hear: only 1 so far…not too bad for me actually_

He's an arse. That's what he is a total arse. Just what I needed. My first day as prefect and I spend most of it cleaning up after Potter and his gang of messed up misfits. If the stink bombs in the prefects' compartment wasn't bad enough, then the chaos I found towards the back of the train would have been enough to send anyone potty (v bad pun….promise not to do that again).

Most people, barring a few unlucky (and probably targeted) Slytherins, managed to escape unscathed from their little slime prank but who was left to clean up the mess might I ask? Yours truly of course. You wouldn't believe some of the places I found their moving, crawling slime. And would _scourgify_ get rid of it? No. I'm going to kill them all.

Naturally, the second I found some time I cornered him and gave him a piece of my mind. I waited till the first years were sorted and the feast had started so the noise would cover up any screams of rage that might escape me. Unfortunately Dumbledore decided to get up and make a speech just as I was hitting my stride.

I'd just finished telling Potter what a useless prat he was and how I wasn't going to let him get away with it this year. Silence reigned throughout the hall just as I told him (and the rest of his motley crew) that "I'll be watching you this year, day and night. I'll be watching you in class, watching you on Hogsmeade trips and watching you while you sleep…" I was just about to tell him that if he so much as _breathed_ in a suspicious way I'd bust his arse and put him in detention when I noticed the general quiet of the hall, interspersed with giggles coming from the other end of the Gryffindor table where Emily and Livia were sitting. Then the muffled guffaws of Potter's mates joined in and finally the whole school, Dumbledore included, was laughing at me. Even McGonagall had a small smile lurking at the corners of her mouth. Dammit. Brilliant way to start the year.

I was so good on the train, I managed to refuse the temptations of the sweets trolley as it rumbled past our compartment. But once I'd sat in the Great Hall long enough to not look suspicious, I legged it back to my room and cracked open the package I brought with me. It's times of total embarrassment like this that a girl just can't say no to chocolate…not even the 10th piece.

I had so many resolutions to keep this year. I'd made up my mind that seeing I was a prefect this year, and thus supposedly a role model, I would be a calmer, more mature person this year. 10 chocolate frogs and 1 screaming match later, I get the feeling that I'm just not cut out for responsibility.

**September 2, 12:30pm**

_Subjects enrolled in: 5 (pretty good)_

_Screaming matches: 0 (yes!…maybe maturity _is_ within my grasp!)_

_Vicious spitball fights: 1 (Ok…maybe we can scratch that maturity thing)_

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, birds were singing and the bathroom was as yet unoccupied. The perfect start to what I vowed would be the perfect school year. This year I am going for the ideal, perfect, model student approach to life. I will do my homework more than one day ahead, I will pay attention in class and stop doodling, I will plan my time and do revision more than a week out from exam time, and I will do all the reading that is set. I suspect this may well be a pipe dream…especially after this morning's little escapade…

I went down to breakfast in a supremely happy mood, having for once had the time to take a nice, long luxurious shower, instead of my usual "2 minutes oh my god I have to get to class" routine of last year…and the year before that…and the year before that…OK you get the picture. Anyway, as usual I sat down with Emily and Sarah, speared myself a piece of toast off Em's plate and started munching while we discussed who was taking which subjects this year.

Being sixth year, and time to start preparing for the N.E.W.T.s we had all started to specialise. I had dropped Divination like the bag of garbage that it was (though Sarah would have violent disagreements with me over that particular opinion….VERY violent) and begun to focus on what I actually enjoyed…or at the very least was good at. Ancient Runes was out the window, how Emily manages to do it I don't know…I barely scraped through that particular O.W.L. exam. And I gave up Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures because quite frankly it's not just my people skills which lack a certain something…it seems that most living things (everything from unicorns to gillyweed apparently) seems to either hate me or at the very least treat me a cold disdain. Pus-filled hands and a nasty bite were enough to put off those subjects for life.

Comparing our timetables I noticed that the three of us only shared three of our five subjects: Charms, Transfiguration and Potions. That left me temporarily lost. I knew that I would be alone in History of Magic, everyone else having given it up feeling that there were better ways to spend class time than sleeping (actually, I really enjoy those lectures…) but I thought that at least Emily would be there with me in Defence Against the Dark Arts…I mean, Lily and Mily the Inseparables…we do everything together. Plus, I thought she liked DADA. Turns out her timetable had filled up and something had to go. I still can't believe she picked Runes over DADA. That girl will never make sense.

Anyway, on with the actual story. Being a Monday morning they naturally had to schedule the worst class possible…double Potions with the Slytherins. First period went fine with a quick revision of last year's work but second period became an unmitigated disaster. I still shudder to think about it. I all started with the potion we were making – a hair growth ointment. Apparently the school infirmary goes through a fair bit of it every year helping students regrow their hair when, for reasons often connected with Potter's boys, said students get their hair "accidentally" singed off. I can't count the number of students I've seen go running through the halls with a head of cold-burning hair.

Potter, Black and Lupin were, as usual, chuckling distractingly at the bench next to Sarah, Em and me. Normally there's no reaction from me but today they went too far. Laughing I could deal with, verbal torture of another person (no matter how horrible and vile) is not something I'll put up with. And when said torture goes that step too far I stepped in. I'm not ashamed about stepping in then, but I probably didn't do it in the smartest way. If I'd told Potter to give it up and left it at that, this probably wouldn't have happened. Oops.

Professor Dilby had left the room so I turned to Potter and not so subtly told him to shut up, leave Snape alone. Actually…what I might have said was something along the lines of "Leave him alone you bastard and get over it." Normally that wouldn't be so bad…but then Snape had to pipe up and call me a filthy Mudblood, which made Potter go all high and mighty in my defence at which point I told him to stick it up his arse and the day I needed his help was the day hell froze over.

Fortunately Dilby returned just then which I thought would prevent it from escalating but as usual, anytime I spoke to Potter, or any of his friends, it encouraged them to believe I enjoyed their attentions. Potter read my anger as an excuse to start sending spitballs my way. Even in the magical world, almost nothing is as gross as feeling a spitball hit your neck…or in one case my eye which was what sent me over the edge.

By this stage, despite the various interruptions, I had my potion bubbling nicely in the last stage of the recipe. Just to piss off Potter and his perfect face I dipped some paper in the hair growth potion, rolled it up and flicked it at him, being careful not to touch it with my bare skin. I missed him and cursed hoping he would pick it up and start sprouting hair on his fingers. What he did was much, much worse. Assuming it was a normal spitball, he picked it up, turned to look at me, put it on his tongue and swallowed it.

In all fairness I had no idea that the potion was that powerful, especially when taken internally. And it's not like I wanted him to swallow it. He's up at the infirmary now, presumably having his insides cleaned out, or at least shaved. I feel terrible. No one, not even arrogant Potter deserves that. A hairy lung sounds rather painful actually. Although…James the gorilla did look pretty funny.

A/N: If you liked it, hated it, found it dull, or think there's any way I could improve then PLEASE review. I love constructive criticism, I really do. And thanks to Fallen Flower who was my first ever reviewer and a great boost to my ego. You rock, and I'll try to update as quickly as possible…just for you!


	2. Let the games begin

**Chapter 2 – Let the games begin**

**September 6, 11:23 pm**

_Classes attended: all (v good)_

_Classes late to: 0 (v v good)_

_Detentions received: 0 (excellent)_

_Detentions given out: 12 (not so good for the students but a nice little power trip for me)_

I'm worried. Really, really worried. It's been 3 days since Potter coughed up his last hairball and so far there's been no retaliation. Nothing. Not a single bad thing has happened to me all week (unless you count my "monthly visitor", but I doubt Potter had anything to do with that). My hair's still red, my books are all in one piece, I haven't been publicly humiliated and, outside of classes, I haven't seen hide nor hair of James and his merry men. That's what worries me the most actually. If he's too busy to pester me then he must be planning something big.

I've spent the last 4 days, since Potions on Monday, watching my back. Every night I pull my covers back completely before I hop into bed. I can't count the number of times I've found something disgusting in between my sheets; everything from toads to treacle to Sirius himself. Actually, the last was the easiest to deal with because all 6 girls in my dorm united to chase the idiot out into the common room where all 6 of us pulled our wands out and hit him with a different hex. The combination of a _petrificus totalus_, a rather nasty bat bogey hex and god knows what else was left a particularly horrible result. What can I say, I'm harsh, but fair!

Actually, when I said I hadn't seen the boys that wasn't strictly true. Although they haven't been following me around like usual, I did stumble across them tonight while out patrolling. I turned a corner up on the fourth floor when I just about bumped into the four of them looking extremely suspicious. While I gathered my senses, I noticed them hide something behind their back: a piece of parchment or something. I just knew they were doing something dodgy, but I couldn't work out what. Fortunately, it was after curfew so I didn't need any other reason or proof, and I got to give them all Saturday detentions for being out of their house area after hours. Lupin tried to point out that he was a prefect too so he could be up after hours at which point I told him that it didn't explain what his friends were doing with him and that he doesn't patrol on Friday, so I still get to give him a detention. I love being a prefect! It's moments like these that make it all worthwhile! Though maybe pissing Potter off more than he is already is not such a good idea…

**September 10, 9:45pm**

_Homework assignments: 5 (not good, not good at all)_

_Detentions given out: 0 (sigh I think the other students have realised I'm a bitch about the rules_ _and are now avoiding me)_

_Detentions received: 1 (v v bad…and it's all _his _fault! Bastard!)_

It's been a very stressful day. Actually it's been a stressful week since classes started, but today just topped it all off. First, I was so busy trying to work out what Potter and his dropkick mates were talking about during double Potions yesterday (I'm still convinced it had something to do with what ever they're planning to do to me) that I let my potion boil over, and instead of a nice rich golden colour it came out baby-poo brown and with a rather whiffy odour. On top of that, Dilby gave us a 3 parchment essay on the properties of Deadly Nightshade, and told me I had to submit at least 12 inches extra on why letting today's potion reach boiling point was a bad idea. Arrgh…as if I'm not busy enough as it is. I get the distinct feeling he hates me. Three other people did the same thing as me, and none of them got extra homework. Of course, they were all boys (Potter, Black and Pettigrew to be precise) and it's well-known that Dilby's a woman-hater. Everyone knows about his views on the inferiority of witches. And muggle-borns (I refuse to even think the other word). I'm screwed both ways.

The rest of Monday seemed to go alright, but today has been…chaotic, to say the least. Breakfast went off without a hitch. As usual, Em, Sarah and I rushed down at the last minute to grab a quick bite, but we made to class with plenty of time. History of Magic was fine (boring, but fine…except that _he_ took the class too, so I had to keep an eye on him the whole time to make sure he didn't exact his revenge then and there) but everything went downhill after lunch.

I had Transfiguration this afternoon, not my best subject but one of the most interesting and consequently I stopped paying attention to Potter and his posse (minus Pettigrew who was off sick today). Fatal error! Professor McGonagall was in the middle of explaining some advanced theory about transfiguring inanimate objects into animate ones when a rat ran across my desk and jumped into my hair before scuttling out the door. Naturally, I screamed. Really loudly. I think one of the wineglasses we were turning into small wading birds actually shattered because of the sound. I don't know how they did it but I just_knew_ thatPotter and his gang were behind this. McGonagall turned around just as I stood up, pointed my wand at Potter and screamed "_Impedimenta_" at him. After McGonagall restored calm to the classroom, and cleaned up the mess I'd made of Potter's table and chair, she turned to me and gave me the first detention I've ever received. Ever. She didn't even let me explain my side of the story. Actually, it probably wouldn't have changed her mind anyway.

sigh How do I get myself into this sort of mess? And is that the best Potter could come up with to avenge himself for the hair-growing potion? I hope so. Pretty pathetic really. Sure, I have a detention, but at least no one was laughing at me…probably cause they were all afraid of incurring my mighty wrath! Go Lily! Second week of school and already everyone's either afraid of you or pissed off at you (except Em and Sarah, dunno what I do without those guys).


	3. 1000 tissues

A/N: just a quick note to say thank you to all my reviewers…you know who you are and I love you all. Sorry I can't give personal thanks but you know the rules!

**Wednesday September 18, 11:32 pm**

_Assignments completed: 0 (v v bad)_

_Chocolate eaten: too much to count (v v bad)_

_Reasons to hate Potter: 57 (and that's just for today)_

I knew it was too good to last. I knew it. It's been two weeks since I turned Potter into a hairy beast (as opposed to the hairless beast he is the rest of the time) and I thought I'd got away with it. I thought the rat in my hair was his pathetic attempt at revenge. Oh god was I wrong!

I should have known something was up when I heard Potter and his gang laughing in the common room last night. I was the only other person in the common room cause I was up late finishing an essay for Professor McGonagall. I now know what all the laughter was about…the irritating, humiliating, and totally frustrating prank they played on me all day today. They didn't even have the decency to wait til after breakfast before they started!

I was running late for breakfast (as usual) and I'd just gotten myself dressed with ten minutes to spare. I grabbed the door, flung it open, and as I ran through a huge bucket of ice water was dumped all over me. I was absolutely sopping wet! I knew Potter must have been behind it so I quickly performed a drying spell on myself and stormed off down to breakfast to confront the little prick.

As I ran through the doors to the Great Hall, another bucket of ice water appeared and poured itself all over me. I was absolutely infuriated by this point so without even bothering to dry myself off first, I stormed over to Potter and his giggling mates and was just about to let my anger go when Sirius said "Nice tits, Evans!" I looked down and realised my fatal, and embarrassing, mistake…while the Hogwarts uniform mainly consists of its black robes, it also involves a white shirt. I was standing there, dripping wet, steam coming out of my ears I was so angry, and effectively participating in my own personal wet t-shirt competition in front of the entire school. How embarassment!

Wrapping my robes around me, I performed my second drying spell of the day and stormed out of the Hall, only to be greeted by yet another bucket of ice water. This continued ALL DAY LONG! Every time I went through a door a bucket of ice water dumped itself on me. I tried all day to either get rid of the spell they must have placed on me, or to corner Potter or his mates to make them get rid of it. That was easier said than done though. They entered every class just as the teacher did and they disappeared at the end before I had a chance to stop them. I finally pounced on them in the common room about half an hour ago. They walked in assuming I'd already gone to bed when Ijumped out atthem. After a good slap to the face and a stern talking to (read: I screamed at them till I was hoarse), they finally agreed to remove the enchantment. About bloody time too! I never realised how many doors I walk through every day. It's more than you would think!

Ugh! Horrible, horrible day. I spent most of the day performing drying spells, or shivering. My hair is still damp. After about 50 drying spells it frizzed a bit and I think the effectiveness of the drying spell started to decrease. Maybe I was just getting wetter. Stupid boys. They just don't understand how hard it is to keep long hair looking nice. Though Black looks like he spends at least half an hour on his hair every morning. Vain git.

**

* * *

Friday September 20, 2pm **

_Tissues used: about 1000_

_Sincere apologies accepted: 1_

_Insincere apologies rejected: 1_

I hope they've learned their lesson. I woke up yesterday morning with the most severe head cold ever. Ugh…nose of grossness. I can't stop sniffling. I went to the infirmary but it turns out that even the wizarding world has no cure for the common cold. So, bed rest, aspirin and a box of tissues it is. The nurse told me I could have the rest of the week off school to let me get better. Normally I would have said no, and gone to class even if I was at death's door, but I'm so far behind on assignments at the moment that I thought a long weekend was exactly what I needed to finish them all off.

I went straight to bed last night after I got back from the infirmary and woke up a few hours ago to get started on these blasted assignments. I feel like death warmed up at the moment and I must look it too because Remus came looking for me to apologise for James' little stunt on Wednesday. He said they were all behind it but I know James and that was his sort of prank, taking an old Muggle trick and enhancing it with magic. I told Remus not to worry, I didn't blame him for it (he's a prefect and he really is responsible and mature…most of the time) and thanked him for his concern. He asked if I was alright but I told him it was nothing to worry about, I'd get better soon. How someone with manners got mixed up withthose three gits I'll never know.

About 5 minutes after Remus left the poncy arrogant git himself arrived. Potter rushed over to my side and started telling me he'd only just heard about my cold and he'd never forgive himself for making me sick and how he wished he could take it all back. I've never seen such an over-the-top and insincere performance. Arrogant , melodramatic twat. I told him he could shove off and mind his own business. How I feel is no concern of his, even if it is his fault. Plus, if he leaves me alone I may have enough time this weekend to finish my assignments _and_ plan something suitably nasty to get him back for what he did. Ugh…maybe putting 1000 used tissues in his bed would be a good start. Actually…I think I will…

* * *

A/N: Thanks for bothering to read my story. It's my first fic so any comments (positiveor negative) are appreciated. I promise to take any suggestions on board, even if some of them don't get used for one reason or another. Thanks! 


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